jerkoff

This is a different kind of journal now.

I hope they understand
that I really understand

That they don't understand.

Everyone loves Gaga. & now, *-* Kawaii Gaga *-*!! this person draws them and shares it on her blog. So far, she has drawn 23 of them and a T-Shirt.

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Noteworthy - Pokerface


also, this:

Back in school now. After such a long summer, I dreaded going back. And with good reason, or perhaps because of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I cannot get back into the groove of things. We're in like week 2 or 3 and I haven't really opened my textbooks, missed two dicussions and like four lectures already. I just... don't care. I'd rather stay at home, the need to make friends at school isn't even enough of a drive to try. Then again, nothing has enough of a drive right now. I made myself a deal that I wouldn't go to class today if I read at least one chapter from each class... so instead i'm writing in my blog.... nice.

Another random post for myself because it's too fucking early and I still haven't slept.

I will now make a list of things that I want to do this summer. In no particular order, except for the first one.

1. See Tool WHICH I GET TO DO BECAUSE MATT AND I BOUGHT GA FLOOR TICKETS FOR ARIZONA EKDFGNDNDKSFSDKFDK IM SO EXCITED!

2. Learn to play guitar better.

3. Record a few songs.

4. Lose like, 20 pounds..though more realistically, 10.

5. Go to the beach more than twice.

6. Rediscover old artists, discover new ones (if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great).

7. Take more pictures, because one day my memory will fade and there has to be some way to remember my friends.

8. Go camping. Yea...camping, I've never been camping, I want to try it.

9. Dance. A lot.

10. Go to at least three concerts.

11. Go to vegas for my 21st birthday.

12. Go to LA ... a lot. :)

13. Go to Balboa Park with the gang.

14. Reconnect with friends that I've been rejecting during school.

15. Consider whether or not I want to go back to school at all.

16. Get my tattoo retouched.

17. Find a place for me and Matt.

Some of the more romantic moments I have experienced in my life have been times I have spent by myself.  Less so of the cliche sexually arousing, and moreso a moment in which you discover a new part of yourself, despite how many times it is done.  Stayed up all night, realizing how much the outside world amazes me, how much my need is growing to go explore.  To risk it all, to risk the fact that perhaps I am not a holder of a personality that many will get along with, but I have to see something else besides what is here.  I can only hold out so much longer before I know I will go.  I don't know who will go with me, I hope he will go with me-- but if he doesn't... it might be okay, eventually.  But I know this phase of life needs to be put on hold soon, and I know I need to get out of here.  I want to see the sunrise somewhere else, I want to know I stayed up all night and chain smoked, and the only reason I knew I was finally tired was because the first ray of light to come over the hill, the mountain, the skyscraper, through the new hotal window was the first non-artificial light I had seen in much longer than the average work shift I work and it burned my eyes.  I want to know its time for a nap, to turn the phone off and re-energize my body only to continue on a journey which holds no possible certainty except that I will find something new.
I am releasing my fear of leaving what is familiar slowly but surely.  I hope he is too, but I don't know.  There's something out there for me, something besides the only time I get to see the bright sun over my head and people laughing is during the ten minutes I have to walk from one lecture hall to the next.  This can be put on hold-- I'm a visual learner, and the letters on the textbook don't make sense anymore, it's the nature of the beast that I want to see for myself.

I normally don't like to post about any drama, irl or internets on my journal, I try to keep it happy, as a recording of things that I can come back to at a later time.  But considering that this silly, overreacted drama is being shoved in everyone's face once we sign on, and this is my journal, I want to make a post about it.  Excuse the following if you don't care/don't know what I'm talking about

Believe it or not, I hold regard for many of the people that I've met online.  Whether I like you or dislike you, I recognize that you are after all, human beings. Human beings that hold true emotions like everyone else, online or off.  The people you/we've all met on here have supported you or helped you grow (whether through good or bad experiences) in every stage of life thus far.  There is no need whatsoever to come online and debunk anybody who is still on here more often than any other person is.  Just because some people have stepped away from the monitor, it does not mean that it is no longer a part of you.  Anyone can get a job, anyone can go to college, anyone can become financially and emotionally responsible-- this does not mean that anyone is better than anyone else.  I know plenty of people who still are online often, and I still consider them some of the kindest, most intelligent people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Being out in the "real world" does not make anybody better than anyone else-- thus, if thought of as so, one has actually recoiled back into something that they have strived so hard to get away from.  There is no part of your past that one should be ashamed of, especially not one where people, remember, these typings and IMs are still people-- have helped you get through your most difficult years.  There is no need to hold resentment towards anyone, or make fun of anyone for the way they chose to live their life.  Similarly, I don't see the point of trying to pull anybody down from the worldly and material things they have achieved.  It is clear that all of us still have attachments to the people we have met online, otherwise, why continue to come back?  It is because no matter how much one might try to escape it, this monitor that you are so aloof from still resides you, and that is NOT, NOT AT ALL a bad thing.  Be thankful for who you are, but also be thankful of the people and the things that have brought you to that point.  Remember that the people that are still "online" are probably the people that watched you grow up the most, helped you in some of your most wretched moods, and that even past romantic relationships that have turned sour have also helped you grow.  There is no need to be judgmental, remember that just because you can't see their face it does not mean that they do not have emotions.
Lastly, I'd like to say a thank you to all of you who have helped me through all of my life through this thing.  Though our pasts may seem unconventional, we hold that in common.  I have learned to love, like so many others have learned to love and feel sadness, without having the convenience of first hand contact, which to me, is a bond and an experience that has made the people who have had this experience more mature beyond their years.  There are many people that I like and dislike on this thing, but there are few that I do not respect.

._. !

Edit: If anyone so chooses to defriend me because of this entry, or because you think I am taking sides, that's cool, I won't hold a grudge.

I wish I had somebody to talk to.